So, I started on this health/weight loss journey about 5 months ago after I went to the doctor. I felt absolutely awful. I would wake up in the morning, only to feel like I wanted to take a nap again 10 minutes later, and most days I would. I had ZERO energy and wasn't sure I cared a whole lot, except that I have 4 wonderful children who need their mother. And I knew I wasn't doing a very good job of that.
A little background on me: I am a 36 year old mother of 4 (yes, I know I mentioned that. But it's very important!) I have always been very athletic. I love sports, and most especially volleyball. I played competitive ball up until about 3 years ago, when I did something to my shoulder. I remember going home and crying about it and saying, "I'm officially a spectator." It made me sad, but I didn't really do anything about it. For years I had been going to the first game of the season excited to play, only to feel completely inadequate. Everyone around me was thinner than I was (by a long shot, most of them.) And as the years passed, I could see my game slipping. I still have court sense. I still know where the ball is going to go, but I couldn't get my body to the ball. It became very frustrating to me. And as I gained weight (sometimes slowly, sometimes not-so-slowly) I would find myself more and more upset with myself, which would inevitably lead to more and more weight gain.
Add to that some personal issues with my job, my husband, my finances, health issues, and the stress of day-to-day life, and I found myself in an out of control spiral that led to my doctor's appointment 5 months ago. I'm going to back up one more time, and then I think I shall only move forward. I like forward. Forward is good.
In July of 2009, I woke up with a black spot in my vision. It was annoying and I called the optometrist in our area to schedule an appointment. They had a cancellation, so I was able to go in that day. The eye doctor did some tests and became very concerned. He said that my optic nerve had ruptured and that there was a lot of pressure in there. What he was concerned about was that he didn't know whether the pressure was a result of the rupture, or if it had ruptured as a result of the pressure. So, he wanted me to see a specialist. I was completely shocked when I received a call from the Specialist's office only 15 minutes after leaving the eye doctor's office and they wanted me to come right in. This is a doctor that takes a month or more to get in to see, and they wanted me to come right down? That's when I started to freak out.
After spending the entire afternoon there (my daughter's birthday, no less,) the Neuro Opthamologist told me he was concerned that there was a tumor. They set me up for a CT scan and a Spinal Tap. After both of those tests were done, they determined I had something called PsuedoTumor Cerebri. He said that it could be caused by a lot of things, but that the symptoms (including extreme dizziness, memory gaps, and the eye thing) were likely exacerbated because of my excess weight. If I could lose 10-20%, I should see symptoms decrease or completely go away. I thought that this had to be it. This had to be the thing that got me motivated to do something. And it did... for a minute. And then I gained more weight.
Fast forward a year: I finally made an appointment with my personal doctor to find out why I couldn't get myself out of my pajamas. Why did I feel like I just wanted to sleep allllll the time? Why was it a struggle to load the dishwasher? What was wrong with me? After a battery of tests were run, I got a call from my doctor's office. She said I was a "walking time bomb." My cholesterol was at 480!!! My blood pressure was high. And I tipped the scale at 264 lbs. TWO HUNDRED SIXTY-FOUR POUNDS!!! (I pretended not to look, by the way, but I couldn't resist.) They prescribed all kinds of things for me and I filled the prescriptions. But that still didn't quite do it for me... what finally did it was when my daughters, who were getting ready to try out for the high school volleyball team, asked me to come "pepper" with them in the front yard, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't even play a little game with them. I was embarrassed. I was sad. I was angry with myself. I was determined to do something about it.
I decided to start exercising.
I read about the Couch to 5k program on coolrunning.com. I thought I could handle that! I'm athletic! I could do that! And I started. 20 minutes... that's it. I could do 20 minutes. I tried to walk for 90 seconds and run for 30. I literally could not run for 30 seconds. By the end of the first 15 seconds, my legs, my ankles, my knees, and most especially my feet, were SCREAMING at me in rebellion. But I pushed. It was SO hard! I cried about it every time for the first 2 weeks. And there was no way I could move to the next week. I wasn't ready. So, I stayed there. Forever. The first week or two, I was so mad at myself. I would cuss me out every time I went out for doing this to myself. I should be able to run for stinking 30 seconds! I'm an athlete!
BUT somewhere in the second week, I started to shift the way I was thinking. I started to tell my aching feet that I was so sorry to have done this to them. I know that sounds silly, but things started to change. I started congratulating myself after my 30 second run spurt. I started smiling and saying, "Holy cow, Shelby! That was awesome! Look what you just did! You made it a whole driveway farther than last time!" I started to open my eyes to the progress I was making, and I was making it.
I began to look at myself in the mirror and, even though it was extremely difficult, I would tell myself how awesome I was. I would tell myself that I was losing weight and gaining health with every step I was taking. And if I had a day that I couldn't be nice to myself, I avoided the mirror. :) For me, the hardest step was to tell myself that I was worth this! I AM worth this! I AM worthwhile! I AM a really great person. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be healthy. THAT, for me, was the first step....
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